5 Ways to Deal With Kenya's Greedy MP(igs)

There has been a lot of uproar of the last few days over the Kenyan Members of Parliament (MPigs) decision to award themselves more money. Yesterday there were demos organized by the civil society, but that's all it was, a demonstration, with few expecting it to achieve anything. Some people are however asking what more can be done to deal with Kenya's greedy MP-igs, something more practical, something done NOW! Well, I have a few "innovative" ideas.



1. Send them on a trip to The Mara: We all know that there is nothing these guys like like an expensive all expenses paid trip. We can pack the whole lot in a bus and send them to Maasai Mara on a trip. We must however pick the dry season and when the wildebeests and zebras are across the border in Tanzania. I assume that if we then abandon them in the middle of the park, and with starving lions...and let whatever happens, happen. Ok, I know that the conservationists will argue that this is tantamount to poisoning lions so it will probably not happen.

2. All women in Kenya, wives and mistresses to deny MPs sex indefinitely. Knowing their appetite for this, but oops! Wouldn't the female MPigs decide to pass it round to their colleagues? Bad idea maybe. But again if you look at the female MPs, barring Charity, that in itself would be torture!

3. Sentence Onyancha to life in prison and imprison him in parliament buildings (with all his tools of trade), maybe he can get his victim balance from there. But maybe this is being unkind to serial killers, I understand they prefer actual human beings, not insensitive, bloated, delusions of grandeur suffering....

4. Drop the buggers in the middle of River Road, and with no police in sight, shout MWIZI! Then let Kenyan idlers do what they do best!!

5. Move parliament sessions to a location out of Nairobi. Since they say that Nairobi is an expensive town hence they need to be paid more, why not move the sessions to let us say Mogadishu? or Baghdad? Or maybe the Pakistan-Afghanistan border? I guess their funeral covers includes the words "collateral damage"!

I know there are more ideas out there on how we can solve pig problems, if you have any that you think might work miracles, I am prepared to listen.

PS: Apologies to the pigs for comparing them to Kenyan legislators

What our MP-igs Are Really Worth

There has been a major uproar as Kenyan MPs for the umpteenth time award themselves hefty salary increases. While most are making noise that the money is too much, nobody is really saying how much they ought to be paid. I have therefore decided to ponder on how an MP's payslip should really look like. Here is my take (in Ksh):



Basic salary:
200,000 (same an average program manager in an NGO operating in a bigger area than a constituency)

Allowances:
Travel = 16,000(4,000 per weekend using public transport, in most places they will still have change if they use the 14 seater matatus)
Phone & communication allowances = 0 (this is why people work for a salary)
Seating allowances = 0 (their job is to 'seat' in the House and discuss issues)
Entertainment Allowances = 6,000 (Enough for one to stack some crates of soda in the House, a few packets of biscuits and even some chang'aa now that it is being legalized)
Housing = 0 (that is why we get salaries, so that we can pay rent)
Schooling for kids = same as above

Others:
15% of the salaries contributed to the pension scheme (and they can't access it until they retire like the rest of us) = 30,000
Car Loans = 0 (they can apply for unsecured loans from commercial banks like the rest of us, Govt will provide letters confirming that they work in parliament)
Health = insurance paid directly for employee, wife and 2 children (preferably cheapest option from Resolution Health)

We are talking of approximately 250,000 here which is subjected to tax (you they will take home about190,000 thereabouts- someone can do the maths) and we can throw in a 10% increase every year subject to performance appraisal. Your constituents must give the go-ahead by more than 50% for you to get the increase. I do believe that this will be very generous given the fact that the work does not call for a lot of qualifications, one should just be able to speak English and Swahili at a basic level!